I just don't know i feel like i'm just way to paranoid  I want to trust but its hard been hurt way to many times. And as of lately with the passing of a dear friend i just want things to be better. I'm sad, just plain sad, i can hide it and fake it all i want to but sometimes it comes out and there is no hiding it. I want to be able to joke around and flirt with you and hold you and spend an evening together like we use to an watch a movie. I want us to lay together as i watch you fall asleep in my arms.

But i can't i just don't know anymore. I just want to be happy is all. i feel like something is going on behind my back and i am just not seeing the signs. then i think maybe its me wanting to see thing that aren't there. I just want answers to questions i don't think i ever will get. It just sucks, it feels like i'll have a nervous breakdown, or my anger will get the best of me and keeping those in check is hard. i just things upfront and honest so that i won't be paranoid 

We can make it easy
We can do it simple
I'll be waiting right there
Promise to be gentle
Sittin' by your window
Girl, you're so fly to me

I sit and think and come to the realization there is no room to sit and pout around over things that are not in my control. I just need to have faith and believe that things will workout for the best. Im not saying im giving up by all means no, I intend to fight with every last bit of strength to go after what I love and attain the happiness that I deserve, I dare someone to get in my way.

Im tired of sulking around when certain things are said when I know im better than that. I mean I know im freaking amazing, no if ands or buts about it. like everyone else I to have my insecurities and demons that I must face, and I know I have came along way facing them

Hmm.

By the nature of being human, we are all wondering about the thoughts and actions and behaviors and inner workings of each other, as we only know about our own thoughts and actions. It also notes what an intriguing thing it is to think about, how we can never know as much about others as we know about ourselves. 

Green Tea Castella or Matcha Kasutera

We were going away for a three days two nights camping trip and I wanted something easy to serve as breakfast. What easier than having two pieces of cake and a cup of instant 3 in 1 coffee or milk tea? Since I made the Castella cake earlier and we all loved it, that sponge cake was my easy picked. I read that the original Japanese sponge cake does not called for oil/butter/margarine so I was interested in experimenting. However, I was too careful to remove all the oil because I was afraid that it might be too dry thus I reduced half of the oil and some sugar. I added 1/2 tablespoon of green tea powder for a change too. Since I reduced the oil, I also tried the method mentioned in my previous post that was to place the cake in the refrigerator while still warm but I didn't brush the top with honey water (I didn't want it to be sticky).

The resulted cake had fine crumbs and more compact than my previous one. Still soft and light like a sponge cake with the tint fragrant of green tea. Still tasted good after reducing the oil.


Makes one 8×8 x 2-inch pan
Ingredients:

5 large eggs

150 grams granulated sugar

200 grams all-purpose flour

1/2 Tbsp. green tea powder

100 ml whole milk, at room temperature

4 tablespoons honey

3 tablespoons canola oil

Method:

1. Grease the square pan with baking spray. Cut out a parchment paper the size of the pan for the bottom of the pan and place it on the pan, spray it with baking spray too. Preheat oven to 350 degree F and place a rack in the middle of the oven.

2. Mix eggs and sugar with a stand-in mixer for about 5 minutes or until batter forms a ribbon when the wire whip is lifted, the color should be light yellow.

3. Whisk together the flour and green tea powder. With the mixer running on medium speed, pour the flour mixture into the batter slowly. Next add the milk, mix it well. Then add the honey and mix it again well. Last, add the oil and make sure it is incorporated into the batter thoroughly.

4. Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Place it in the oven and bake for 10 minutes in 350 degree F. After that, lower the temperature to 325 degree F and bake for 35 minutes or until a cake tester comes out clean.

5. Remove from the pan as soon as it is done. Place it on the cooling rack and when it's not too hot to handle (still warm), wrap with plastic wrap and put it in the refrigerator for at least few hours. Then, take it out and let it sit at room temperature overnight wrapped. Cut it the next day.

quote

"The mind is like a fertile garden - it will grow anything you wish to plant - beautiful flowers or weeds. And so it is with successful, healthy thoughts or with negative ones that will, like weeds strangle and crowd the others. Do not allow negative thoughts to enter your mind for they are the weeds that strangle confidence." - Bruce Lee —

Sono hitotsude wanaku otoko ni betsu no otokonara, watashi ni tsuyo-sa o ataete kudasai